As a man and father on a journey of self-discovery, I am trying to fill in the pieces the old me leaves behind. Some days, I feel confident in my ability to guide my children down the right path. Other times, I find myself questioning every decision, wondering if I'm doing it right.
The Family Vacation
A few weeks back, we went on vacation with our children and a couple of cousins. Leading up to the trip, I was proud of my wife and myself; we were giving these children a type of experience we never had. The children were excited. We were getting ready to inbark on our version of the Are We There Yet Movies.
Before we left, I gave them all a pep talk. We had a 4-hour drive, and I didn't want to hear no arguing on the trip. We were going to enjoy this beautiful trip and the luxurious cabin we rented. For the first few days, everything was going great. I low-key felt like Dad of the Year.
The Incident
One morning, I went up to the kids' area to see how things were going, and one of my sons did something that caught my eye. He flinched and put something under his arm. Of course, I said, "What are you hiding?" He said, "Nothing." Undeterred, I told him to get up, and sure enough, he had a phone under his arm. My heart sank. I grabbed the phone and left after telling him I was disappointed in his actions.
In our home, children can only use their phones during certain times. Well, he had a second one I knew nothing about. That meant he could be on his phone all the time. As I walked down the stairs, I felt such guilt and shame come over me. It was my son who couldn't follow the rules. I felt exposed.
Processing the Emotions
I went downstairs to the movie room and thought to myself, "We've been having such a great vacation. Why did this have to happen?" I turned on a movie and relaxed to ease my mind.
After about two hours, I called him down to talk. I told him I didn't appreciate what he did, and he showed no remorse. I then explained that we have rules in the house, and they are for everyone. He turned and said to me, "Well, I can't wait to move out and never talk to you again."
At that moment, I felt a pain so intense, as though he had kicked me in the groin. Feeling wounded, vulnerable, and exposed, I snapped! I told him I didn't care. That was fine. But until then, he had to follow the rules.
But the truth was, I did care, and what just happened hurt like hell. After calming down, I told him I would still be here when he wanted to talk again if he decided to leave and that I would miss him but would respect his choice.
I then told him he could go back upstairs. I spent the next hour feeling shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a sick feeling that no matter what I do for them, I'm not enough. After allowing myself to feel it, I told myself, "Enough. He made his own choices. I am doing my best, and I refuse to let this moment ruin the trip."
The Journey of Fatherhood
Sometimes, I wish I had figured things out sooner as a father and a man. But then I remind myself that a tree doesn't bear fruit as soon as it's planted. It's a process.
Right now, you may be going through your own process with your children as a father. Do your best, give yourself grace, and remember, you're putting yourself together one piece at a time, too. There will be moments when you feel hurt by your children, but don't lose faith in yourself or them. Embrace the ups and downs of fatherhood and self-discovery, knowing that each experience is an opportunity for growth and learning.
In the end, the journey of fatherhood is a beautiful, messy, and rewarding one. Trust in yourself, keep an open heart, and know that you are exactly where you need to be.