If you rather listen to the audio verison:
Dear Men Over 40,
They say people only want to help you when you're young, as if to imply that once you get older, no one cares. But here's the truth: the world still needs you, and you matter more than ever. 🌟
With Father's Day on the horizon and memes flying around that dismiss its significance, I felt compelled to write an open letter to men over 40, especially those who feel they haven't quite figured out life or their path yet.
I'm one of those men. By 40, if anything, I had mastered the art of what not to do. I joke that I should've received an honorary Ph.D. from Harvard for it. My journey left me struggling for a good portion of my life, questioning my worth. Maybe you've felt the same way, no matter how hard you tried. Despite all of that, I need you to know that the world still needs you. Stop punishing yourself for who you were.
Men have been failing at something since the beginning of time. So don't read too much into your failures, baby! We’ve also been getting back up. That is the part we need to focus on now. 💪
Society tells us that if we don't make six figures, pay all the bills, or if we dare show emotions, we're flawed. If we're not as strong as an ox, don't walk and talk like an alpha, and haven't mastered the art of business, we're not enough. But I'm here to tell you, you are enough. Don't give up on yourself, no matter what the world says. 🙌
In my 40-plus years, I've learned a few things: everybody has problems, and nobody's perfect. The advice on who you should be and what you should have is often flawed. This realization is a relief; it means we can take their words with a grain of salt and ask ourselves a better question.
How can I forgive myself, let go of the weight I've been carrying, and be present in this moment? I couldn't answer that question for a long time. My biggest weight was fatherhood. I never met my real dad—someone slipped a Mickey in his drink at a bar, he went crazy, and shortly after, he left. I vowed never to do drugs and always to be in my children's lives. 👨👧👦
I ended up with custody of my four children after my marriage ended. I raised them alone for five years until my oldest decided to move with his mom. I felt like I had failed as a father, carrying guilt and shame that changed me as a parent. I even wrote three children's books about my experience to encourage others, but my son's departure made me feel like a fraud, so I stopped promoting them. 📚
One day, I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and forgive myself because not forgiving myself wasn't going to change anything. The only way to change anything was to do better in the present and learn from the past because the present is where I could make a difference. Was it easy? No! Growth and change never are but it was worth it. 🌱
You might be trapped in the past, carrying a boulder on your back and walking uphill, wondering why you're not getting anywhere. Men, you have to let the boulder go. 🪨
The boulder can be many different things. Maybe you're trying to relive your younger years to prove you still got it, or you're carrying the guilt and shame of not living up to your potential. Maybe you spent your life climbing the wrong mountain and now feel stuck at the top with no way down. Perhaps you're carrying the weight of someone's words from a long time ago, or you're alone with no one to talk to. Or maybe you're trying to be everything for everyone but have completely lost yourself. 🏔️
Wherever you are and whatever you feel, it's time to put the weight down and let it go. It's comfortable to carry the weight because it gives us a purpose and an excuse to stay stuck. To remain the same and be angry. Anger allows us to lash out or treat ourselves poorly, showing up in drinking, drugs, and other self-soothing behaviors. 🥃
You are needed. Let go of the past. It will be uncomfortable, but it will be freeing. It will give you a chance to rediscover yourself and all the things you could be. Being over 40 isn't too late to grow, change, and become. Use your experiences to make yourself better. Life requires movement, not perfection. The boulder kept you walking in place. 🚶♂️
It's hard to believe you're enough when you know all the ways you've messed up. But consider this: the pain of what you went through prepared you for what the next season of your life requires. Life sometimes works on us before it starts working for us. 🌅
Ask yourself: could letting go of the past and focusing on the present make my life any worse? If not, why not give it a try? 🤔
As long as you're breathing—and I assume you are if you're reading this—it's not too late to start taking better care of yourself. It's not too late to say, "I love me, and from this day forward, I'm going to be a better version of myself. I'm going to forgive myself. I'm going to ask for forgiveness if needed, so I can move forward. I'm going to start the business or ask for the promotion. I'm going to repair my relationship with my children. I'm going to clean up my credit. I'm going to take care of the one body I have." Being over 40 doesn't mean it's over; it can be the beginning of the best second half of your life if you allow it to be. 🎉
Here are some additional strategies that can help you on your journey:
Start small: Change doesn't have to happen all at once. Start with small, manageable steps toward your goals. Small successes can build momentum and confidence.
🔄 Seek support: Reach out for help and support when needed. Talk to a trusted friend or family member, join a men's group or support group, or seek professional counseling or therapy. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
💬 Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, practice mindfulness or meditation, and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Prioritize your own well-being. 🧘♂️
Decide on a direction and take consistent steps: Rather than setting rigid goals, choose a direction you want to move in and start taking small, consistent steps to get there. Celebrate your progress along the way and be patient with yourself.
🛤️ Learn from others: Seek out mentors, role models, or peers who have overcome similar challenges or achieved what you aspire to. Learn from their experiences and wisdom to guide and inspire you. However, be careful not to use not having someone as an excuse not to get started. You know enough to get started. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I think Tupac or Yoda said that! 🌟
Give back: Find ways to give back to your community or support causes you care about. Volunteering, mentoring, or contributing your skills and resources can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and help shift focus away from personal struggles. 🙏
I am rooting for you. I don't care what the world says; you are needed, and you have value. Stand tall, shine bright! 🌟
Your friend and brother,
Jalal Wilson