Jalal Wilson

Being a stepfather is the most rewarding least appreciated job a man can ever sign up for.

Here we are, three days away from my first-ever sneakerball. My stepdaughter has already laid out the ground rules: I will not be seen with her at the ball. My role? After we arrive don't be seen or heard until till it's time to walk out the door. That's it. We are going to be matching- me in black pants, a black shirt, and my black, white, and red Jordan Ones; her in a black dress with red and white shoes. I'm even going to get a fresh haircut for the ball. I'm excited despite being told to be invisible - that's the paradox of being a stepfather.

Being a stepfather is equivalent to having a job where you get kicked in the nuts just for showing up to work. The worst part? When you signed up for the role, you had no idea when or where those kicks would come from. It might be your stepchild one day. Your step child's third cousin twice removed the next day.

Most people have this Hollywood brady bunch or step-by-step verison of a stepfather in their heads. Where a stepfather comes in and instantly bonds and everything runs smoothly. Or that stepchildren will be grateful for a stepfather who stepped in and "stepped up". Or my favorite: Because he loves her, it will be easy to love her bad kids. All of it is nonsense!

Why would any man want to be a stepfather? The short answer is not many do! Most understand there are challenges you don't have when you parent your own child. For example you are there from the beginning, so unconditional love is assumed. Being a stepfather it's like walking into a movie theater in the middle of the second act. You have no real idea of what happened before you arrived. Your job is to figure out how to enjoy the rest of the movie without disturbing others.

I still remember, like it was yesterday, the first time I took my children and her children on a day trip to Portland, Oregon. I rented an SUV big enough for all of us and took them to our favorite spots to get donuts and chicken. My only desire for this trip was to connect with them in a way I enjoyed when I was younger. A few weeks later, my now-wife told me one of the boys had said that when we stopped by the store on the trip, he didn't get anything because he thought I might have been mad at him for taking too long. Wait, what? You're telling me he made a decision based on something he thought I might feel? Nut punch—down goes frazier. I remember thinking, If I was going to be accused of being mad, I should've at least karate-kicked his donut into oblivion—then he'd have a reason to think that!

It eventually…. Hit me. They're carrying their own stories, their own fears, and sometimes, no matter how many donuts you offer, those old stories speak louder than your new actions.

Which got me thinking about my own journey.

I don't remember my real dad. He was a musician and one night at a bar someone slipped a mickey in his drink. He started to unravel mentally and shortly after that he left home never to return.  I always felt like a piece of me was missing. At the age ten my mom married my stepfather. He was my first interaction with a father figure. And boy did he deliver. Even though he did his best and I had nothing to compare it to, I still used the line "You're not my dad." Why? I still had my own story with missing details.

A few weeks back my stepfather told me about some memories he had of me as a child. Ones that I had forgotten. But he was so proud to have been there for those moments. One of his favorite micro moments was the time I decided to sign up for a business class in high school. He said he knew at that point I would be charting my own course. It got me thinking about the sneakerball. At the end of the ball yesterday, my stepdaughter told me she had fun. Yes she did keep her word and only talked to me(well she pointed!) when she wanted food. But I was there for her micro moment and no one can ever take that away from me even if she forgets.

Being a stepfather is signing up for a master class in human connection that no one asked you to take. The rewards? They're not hanging on any wall or sitting on a shelf. They show up in the way you learn to read a room before entering it, in how you discover that love isn't always a lightning bolt—sometimes it's just consistently showing up with donuts and hoping for the best. You become fluent in the language of other people's pain, learning to translate their fears into understanding. 

The real trophy is finding out you have the capacity to give love without expectation of receiving it. Somewhere between the nut punches and the quiet victories, you find yourself becoming a better version of you—one who knows that sometimes the biggest wins come from simply being the guy who got the matching Jordans and stayed invisible at the sneakerball. Because at the end of the day, being a stepfather isn't about stepping into someone else's story—it's about learning to write your own character into it, even if you're just an extra in some scenes. And that's the paradox that makes it the most rewarding least appreciated job a man could ever sign up for.

I never thought a lawn mower could bring me closer to my family and neighbors. Yet there I was, standing in the middle of my driveway surrounded by metal parts. The instructions might as well have been a coloring book, all pictures and no words. A simple purchase turned into a journey of connections. It began with a phone call to my cousin.

On my way to the store, it occurred to me I knew nothing about lawn mowers. But I knew who did. Do you know someone who seems to be good at everything and a real manly man? Well, that is my cousin; I swear he eats weights for breakfast and knows all things MAN! I called him and told him I wanted to get a lawn mower today. He congratulated me on 'doing man stuff.' After explaining the situation, we agreed I would get a gas lawn mower. He rushed me off the phone; it was 8:15 am and he had arrived at someone’s house to help them move. You know, manly stuff! Feeling more confident, I headed to Lowe’s to embark on my lawn mower buying adventure.

After browsing the aisles, I found a gas-powered lawn mower in my price range, which was under $400.00. We agreed upon gas in case I had to do some man stuff like fix it if it broke. If I purchased an electric or battery-operated one, I’d have to take it to someone else to fix; it was his logic. On the car ride home, I called my wife to send the boys outside to help me. I arrived with a sense of accomplishment, as if I had slain a bison and was bringing home the meat. I pulled into the driveway, and no one was outside to greet me. I did what any self-respecting man would do! I waited by the car until they came out to open the trunk. This was my moment, and I would indeed have it!  Once the boys came out, they slowly walked over to the trunk and watched me open it. The younger two looked and disappeared. The oldest helped me take the box out of the car. I cut the box open and, to my relief, there were only four parts. After 15 minutes of struggling to put on two handlebars and two screws, I called my dad. He rejected my call. I turned to YouTube and watched some videos and still couldn’t figure out these four stupid parts. 

A few minutes later, my wife came outside and asked, "You still haven’t figured it out? My wife put her Bob the Builder hat on and picked up the instructions. To my relief, they were no help to her either. But something about having her there gave me a renewed sense of energy. I wanted to prove I could do man stuff. I started trying different things, putting the handlebars in any hole they would fit in. Eventually, I figured out where they went. She looked at a picture of it online and figured out how to put the rest of it together. She figured out where the two screws went. And, how to close the gap between the bag and the bottom of the lawn mower. All from looking at a picture. I told her thank you and gave her a nice little smack on the butt. She smiled. I bet you were wondering where the boys were? They were lying in the car, complaining about it being hot outside. With the hard part done, it was time to put this baby to work.

After putting the finishing touches on the lawn mower and adding gas and oil. Our neighbor walked over; she reminded me of one of those Baptist church usher ladies. You know the type you dare not sit anywhere but where she told you. She said “getting ready to cut the yard?”. I told her the boys were going to start cutting our grass and how we waited for the lawn guy and he didn’t show. The neighbor asked our names. We have lived next to her for five months, and now that we have a lawn mower, she wants to know our names? I turned my head towards the lawn mower. After my wife introduced herself, I paused. I almost didn’t tell her. But then she mentioned she may need the boys to cut her yard, so I told her my name. I didn’t want to mess up a money opportunity for the boys. The more they make, the less money I have to give them. No, I'm playing. It turns out she is a sweet older lady who probably wouldn’t notice if someone robbed my house. 

It was time to crank the lawnmower up. I broke the yard up into four sections so each boy could mow an area. I started on the first section and showed one of the boys how to work the lawn mower. Sand started flying in his face. That’s when I realized we should adjust the height of the mower. Side effects of living in South Carolina. At that moment, it hit me that I had never owned a home or had a yard to mow before now. Well, not mow, that is, for the boys! But it was still a proud moment. Of course, I'm going to have a learning curve.  While each boy did his part of the yard, I gave an example, instructed, and stepped back to observe. They all did their parts quickly and efficiently. Something about telling boys no video games until their yard work is finished fires them up. 

After I finished the work, my phone rang, and my dad was on the line. He told me he was giving blood, which is why he didn't answer. We discussed what happened, and I even sent him pictures of the boys cutting the yard. He used to make me mow the lawn, and now I am passing  the mower to my boys. Dad delegation at its finest! 

That night, as the sun dipped below the horizon, my wife and I stood by the window. She turned to me and said, “The yard looks great.” I smiled. For me it wasn’t really about the lawn or the mower—it was about all the people I connected with today because of it. I glanced at the yard one last time and thought to myself in my best Ice Cube voice, Today was a good day.

As we dive into another Tuesday, it's time for some motivation to keep our week moving in the right direction. Sometimes, we need that extra boost more on a Tuesday than a Monday, don't we? The initial surge of Monday motivation has faded, and the weekend still feels far away. That's why I'm here to share some powerful insights that have been fueling my fire lately.

The War Within: Lived vs. Unlived Life

I've been immersed in Steven Pressfield's captivating book, "The War of Art," and one particular line struck a chord deep within me: "The life we live and the unlived life within us." This simple yet profound statement encapsulates a struggle many of us face daily.

How often do we find ourselves caught up in the whirlwind of our routines, forgetting the vast potential that lies dormant within us? We all have dreams, aspirations, and talents that we haven't fully explored or expressed. Today, I challenge you to listen to that part of you that's yearning to come out. Even if you can't live it fully right now, start taking small steps towards it. Remember, if it's in you, it's meant to be expressed!

Gratitude in Growth

As we embark on this journey of self-discovery and growth, it's crucial to acknowledge those who help us along the way. I've come to realize that everyone pouring into you has their own struggles. The mentor offering guidance, the friend providing support, the colleague sharing insights – they're all fighting their own battles. Let's cultivate gratitude and appreciation for those who take the time to help us grow, despite their own challenges.

Stop Projecting, Start Owning

Now, let's dive deeper into a concept that can truly transform our lives and interactions: stopping the projection of our insecurities onto others. This is a habit many of us fall into without even realizing it, and it can significantly impact our relationships and personal growth.

What do I mean by projection? It's when we unconsciously attribute our own thoughts, feelings, or traits to others, often as a defense mechanism. For instance, if we're feeling insecure about our work, we might assume our colleagues are judging us harshly, when in reality, they might not be thinking about us at all.

Here's how we can start addressing this:

1. Self-awareness: The first step is recognizing when we're projecting. Pay attention to your thoughts and reactions. Are you making assumptions about others' intentions or thoughts without evidence?
2. Own your feelings: Instead of saying, "You're making me feel inadequate," try, "I'm feeling inadequate right now." This simple shift puts the focus back on your internal experience.
3. Question your assumptions: When you find yourself attributing motives to others, pause and ask, "Do I know this for sure, or am I assuming?"
4. Communicate openly: Instead of acting on your projections, try having open conversations. You might be surprised at how different reality is from what you imagined.
5. Work on your insecurities: Identify the root causes of your projections. What personal insecurities are they stemming from? Focus on building self-confidence in these areas.
6. Practice empathy: Try to see situations from others' perspectives. This can help reduce the tendency to project your own feelings onto them.
7. Seek feedback: Don't be afraid to ask trusted friends or colleagues for honest feedback about your behavior. They might provide insights you've missed.

By consciously working to stop projecting our insecurities, we open ourselves up to more authentic relationships and personal growth. We start seeing people as they are, not as reflections of our own fears and doubts.

Stand Tall, Shine Bright

As we wrap up this motivational journey, remember this: you are enough. Your experiences, your struggles, your triumphs – they all contribute to the unique individual you are. Embrace your "unlived life," practice gratitude, and work on owning your beliefs and insecurities rather than projecting them.

I'm rooting for you as you take these steps towards personal growth and self-discovery. Stand tall, shine bright, and let your authentic self illuminate the world around you.

Now, I'd love to hear from you: What's one step you're taking today towards your 'unlived life'? Share in the comments below, and let's inspire each other to grow and thrive!

Remember, this is just a glimpse of what we discuss in the podcast. For more insights and motivation, tune in to the full episode of "Tuesday Motivation with Jalal Wilson." Together, we can make every day, especially Tuesdays, a stepping stone towards our best selves.

#TuesdayMotivation #PersonalGrowth #StopProjecting #EmbraceAuthenticity #UnlivedLife #JalalWilson

If you rather listen to the audio verison: 

Dear Men Over 40,

They say people only want to help you when you're young, as if to imply that once you get older, no one cares. But here's the truth: the world still needs you, and you matter more than ever. 🌟

With Father's Day on the horizon and memes flying around that dismiss its significance, I felt compelled to write an open letter to men over 40, especially those who feel they haven't quite figured out life or their path yet.

I'm one of those men. By 40, if anything, I had mastered the art of what not to do. I joke that I should've received an honorary Ph.D. from Harvard for it. My journey left me struggling for a good portion of my life, questioning my worth. Maybe you've felt the same way, no matter how hard you tried. Despite all of that, I need you to know that the world still needs you. Stop punishing yourself for who you were.

Men have been failing at something since the beginning of time. So don't read too much into your failures, baby! We’ve also been getting back up. That is the part we need to focus on now. 💪

Society tells us that if we don't make six figures, pay all the bills, or if we dare show emotions, we're flawed. If we're not as strong as an ox, don't walk and talk like an alpha, and haven't mastered the art of business, we're not enough. But I'm here to tell you, you are enough. Don't give up on yourself, no matter what the world says. 🙌

In my 40-plus years, I've learned a few things: everybody has problems, and nobody's perfect. The advice on who you should be and what you should have is often flawed. This realization is a relief; it means we can take their words with a grain of salt and ask ourselves a better question.

How can I forgive myself, let go of the weight I've been carrying, and be present in this moment? I couldn't answer that question for a long time. My biggest weight was fatherhood. I never met my real dad—someone slipped a Mickey in his drink at a bar, he went crazy, and shortly after, he left. I vowed never to do drugs and always to be in my children's lives. 👨‍👧‍👦

I ended up with custody of my four children after my marriage ended. I raised them alone for five years until my oldest decided to move with his mom. I felt like I had failed as a father, carrying guilt and shame that changed me as a parent. I even wrote three children's books about my experience to encourage others, but my son's departure made me feel like a fraud, so I stopped promoting them. 📚

One day, I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and forgive myself because not forgiving myself wasn't going to change anything. The only way to change anything was to do better in the present and learn from the past because the present is where I could make a difference. Was it easy? No! Growth and change never are but it was worth it. 🌱

You might be trapped in the past, carrying a boulder on your back and walking uphill, wondering why you're not getting anywhere. Men, you have to let the boulder go. 🪨

The boulder can be many different things. Maybe you're trying to relive your younger years to prove you still got it, or you're carrying the guilt and shame of not living up to your potential. Maybe you spent your life climbing the wrong mountain and now feel stuck at the top with no way down. Perhaps you're carrying the weight of someone's words from a long time ago, or you're alone with no one to talk to. Or maybe you're trying to be everything for everyone but have completely lost yourself. 🏔️

Wherever you are and whatever you feel, it's time to put the weight down and let it go. It's comfortable to carry the weight because it gives us a purpose and an excuse to stay stuck. To remain the same and be angry. Anger allows us to lash out or treat ourselves poorly, showing up in drinking, drugs, and other self-soothing behaviors. 🥃

You are needed. Let go of the past. It will be uncomfortable, but it will be freeing. It will give you a chance to rediscover yourself and all the things you could be. Being over 40 isn't too late to grow, change, and become. Use your experiences to make yourself better. Life requires movement, not perfection. The boulder kept you walking in place. 🚶‍♂️

It's hard to believe you're enough when you know all the ways you've messed up. But consider this: the pain of what you went through prepared you for what the next season of your life requires. Life sometimes works on us before it starts working for us. 🌅

Ask yourself: could letting go of the past and focusing on the present make my life any worse? If not, why not give it a try? 🤔

As long as you're breathing—and I assume you are if you're reading this—it's not too late to start taking better care of yourself. It's not too late to say, "I love me, and from this day forward, I'm going to be a better version of myself. I'm going to forgive myself. I'm going to ask for forgiveness if needed, so I can move forward. I'm going to start the business or ask for the promotion. I'm going to repair my relationship with my children. I'm going to clean up my credit. I'm going to take care of the one body I have." Being over 40 doesn't mean it's over; it can be the beginning of the best second half of your life if you allow it to be. 🎉

Here are some additional strategies that can help you on your journey:

Start small: Change doesn't have to happen all at once. Start with small, manageable steps toward your goals. Small successes can build momentum and confidence. 

🔄 Seek support: Reach out for help and support when needed. Talk to a trusted friend or family member, join a men's group or support group, or seek professional counseling or therapy. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

💬 Practice self-care: Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Get enough sleep, eat well, exercise regularly, practice mindfulness or meditation, and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Prioritize your own well-being. 🧘‍♂️

 Decide on a direction and take consistent steps: Rather than setting rigid goals, choose a direction you want to move in and start taking small, consistent steps to get there. Celebrate your progress along the way and be patient with yourself. 

🛤️ Learn from others: Seek out mentors, role models, or peers who have overcome similar challenges or achieved what you aspire to. Learn from their experiences and wisdom to guide and inspire you. However, be careful not to use not having someone as an excuse not to get started. You know enough to get started. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I think Tupac or Yoda said that! 🌟 

Give back: Find ways to give back to your community or support causes you care about. Volunteering, mentoring, or contributing your skills and resources can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment, and help shift focus away from personal struggles. 🙏

I am rooting for you. I don't care what the world says; you are needed, and you have value. Stand tall, shine bright! 🌟

Your friend and brother,

Jalal Wilson

A little over 2 years ago, we moved to South Carolina. 🌴🏡 We didn't have a place lined up, just an Airbnb for 2 weeks. It ended up taking 3 weeks to find a place.

We could only find a 3-bedroom house within our budget. 🏠 Initially, our landlord was hesitant to rent to us because we had children, but after meeting us, he changed his mind. 👫👶

We needed a 4-bedroom, but we made do with 3, meaning Shay and I had to turn the living room into our bedroom. Shay decorated it beautifully! 🎨 It was home, the first home I had lived in as an adult. We didn't invite people over because we didn't have anywhere for them to sit—we didn't have a living room.

This year, Shay was pregnant, and we decided we needed a bigger place for our growing family. 👶 The thought of buying a home scared me. I wanted to rent a bigger place, thinking, "Who will take care of the maintenance issues?" The truth was, I didn't see myself owning a home. My limited mindset said, "Why should I?"

But Shay wasn't hearing it and applied anyway. 📝 After applying, we were instantly approved! 🎉

Shortly after, we lost the baby... 💔 We went through a rough time. Despite the heartache, we decided to keep looking for a house—mainly Shay, as I was still feeling undeserving and unsure.

We saw a house we liked, but it was under contract. 🏡 The first two houses we looked at would have required us to settle in different ways. Even though we didn't have a big budget, we didn't want to settle. Then, the house we originally liked was back on the market—the buyer had backed out. We visited the house the next day, and we knew it was perfect for our family.

We put in an offer. 💌 The house was a little above our budget by $5K. We took the kids the next day, walked around the house, and prayed, claiming it for our family. 🙏 The owners accepted our offer, and we were excited! 🥳

We asked for a $5K credit, and the owner agreed, which put us right at our number. 💸 Our lender, who saw the credit score, had skipped over the income when approving us. When the lender came back with three different numbers, each one lower than the last, I thought, "I guess it's not meant to be." He told us what he offered was the best we could find. We were fed up with the lender's false promises.

With 2.5 weeks to go before closing, our realtor suggested we switch lenders. It was a risky move, but we went for it. The new lender asked for every document under the sun and the moon. 🌙

The seller was nervous about the deal not going through and asked if we needed anything else. We asked for another $2.5K in credits, and they agreed. The new lender was able to get us the exact amount we wanted and close on time. We got a house that gave us more than we were even looking for, and now we can host people anytime we want. 🏡✨

Moving to South Carolina has broken the frame of what I thought was possible. We've been through so much, but GOD has truly shown up and shown out for us because we were obedient. 🙌 I didn't know how all this was going to work out. Had we not gotten pregnant, we would have kept the idea of the house on the back burner. Had I not had a wife that kept moving forward despite her own pain while I was fighting for my limitations, we would have never gotten this far with the house.

Looking back, if the lender had not overlooked the income, we would have never applied for this house. Sometimes, when things don't seem like they're working for you, they are when you look back and connect the dots.

I said all of this to encourage you to go after it and not listen when people say there is no way. What is for you will be for you! Stop fighting for your limitations and start fighting for the blessings you deserve. GOD did!!! 🙏💖

Love y'all! 💕